my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
