Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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