he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
