Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize