cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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