You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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