we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's official drugs can't kill me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
