Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
