i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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