im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
