Im at strip club and am horny
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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