I cannot find my penis.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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