But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
