Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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