Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
