This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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