My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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