Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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