Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
