just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sext me about skeletons
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
