This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
