FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
