I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
