she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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