Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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