he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
