You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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