How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
