Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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