she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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