you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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