You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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