hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we're making bets on your personal life
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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