this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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