I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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