im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
