OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize