How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
