my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
