i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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