I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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