I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
