All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
