I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
