Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
