um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
