nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
