Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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