If that was your dad, he is hot
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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