only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just gargled with NyQuil
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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