Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
