you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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