something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
