Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
