shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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