Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
