i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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