I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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