Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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