Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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