yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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